Where's My Glasses?
by Christopher Ferdinandi
ChrisFerdinandi@hotmail.com

I'm a crotchety old man, and I'm trapped in a 22-year-old's body. It's not an all-the-time thing. I'd say the geezer inside me kicks in about 23 percent of the time. The other 78 percent of the time, I'm a normal college senior (okay, that makes 101 percent, so I guess I'm not all that normal), but every now and then, I get cranky.

I get mad when people drive too fast in my neighborhood. As some rich bastard speeds by me while I'm walking my dog, I find myself shaking a fist at the offending Escalade while yelling "SLOW DOWN!" in a low, grumbling bellow.

Several times a week, I find myself lamenting about "kids these days," while reminiscing about the good ol' days I wasn't even alive for. You know, the days when a bottle of Coke was a nickel and candy was three for a penny. A time when weekends were spent cruising around with three of your buddies "chasing skirts," and not getting blasted out of your mind on Busch Light and some amazing Canadian hydro.

I think chivalry is on its death bed, and I don't like it. I miss the pre-feminist days I don't even remember, when men opened doors and women were freaks behind closed doors and not in the streets. I don't get the appeal of watching two drunk girls wearing clothes that look more like underwear than an outfit make out. And how come all anyone wants to do anymore is hook up?

I long for the days when words like "asshole" and "bitch" actually meant something, and weren't just two more words you heard on your favorite Tuesday night sitcom.

Of course, all this is only 23 percent of the time.

The rest of the time, I love modern American culture. I love that women are allowed to be sexual. I love mini-skirts. I love hip-hop and being able to wear jeans, a T-shirt and sandals to class. (Could you imagine having to wear a shirt and tie in East Hall in May?)

I love driving fast, equal rights and swearing profusely. And I love my Tuesday night sitcoms! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go take my arthritis medicine.





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