Not Woman Enough
by Christopher Ferdinandi
ChrisFerdinandi@hotmail.com

“You’re too feminine,” she said, staring blankly back at me. It was one of the only times in the last two months when I could recall her actually looking me in the eye. These three words had been immediately preceded by, “I don’t want to be with you anymore.”

She looked back down at her shoes and twiddled her thumbs on the lap of her black dress. We were at a formal dinner gala, a 25 year anniversary celebration for the company I work for, and this whole debacle occurred mid-dinner. Luckily, the food wasn’t that good.

As I sat there, stunned, she explained, “You’ve stolen my role in the relationship.” I thought to myself, What the fuck does that mean? Now in her defense, I watch The OC, enjoy eating ice cream while watching romantic comedies, and suffer from a serious Chap Stick addiction (who doesn’t like moist lips?).

That’s not what she meant, though. She was referring to our second date, when I noticed that she was wearing “cool sneakers” and told her so – “Guy’s aren’t supposed to notice a girl’s shoes.” She was talking about how I’m actually able to tell her what’s bothering me when I’m pissed off, and that I can tell when something’s bothering her and know that “nothing” doesn’t actually mean nothing.

All this got me to thinking about gender roles in modern American society. Over the last 30 years or so women have seen a tremendous expansion in the types of roles it’s socially acceptable for them to occupy. I’m not denying the existence of a glass ceiling, and I’m certainly not saying that women have full access to all the social advantages that men do. But with the women’s movement came discourse and dialogue – women actually talked about what femininity entailed, and over time it has grown to encompass many more social roles.

Men, while still maintaining a definitive advantage in the business world, have not had the benefit of discussing the intricacies of masculinity. As a result, the roles that it’s socially acceptable for us to occupy are substantially smaller.

For example, the girl in the black dress spent the last five years of her life in the Army. She’s traveled all across Europe and the Middle East. She’s camped out in one of Sadam’s palaces, met the Secretary of Defense, and had heavy mortar rounds fired at her (not all at the same time). She’s witnessed death, and while she never spoke about it, probably caused some as well. She can shoot a target dead-on from 300 yards, is certified in emergency life saving, and skilled in hand-to-hand combat. Yea, she can kick my ass!

A few decades ago, women in the Army were pretty much just nurses. Now, they’re active in combat. None of this is in any way a threat to my masculinity, but apparently the fact that I like Puma sneakers is. In our culture, it’s become acceptable – in fact, even sexy – for women to be confident and powerful (think Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider or Mr. & Mrs. Smith), but men who know how they’re feeling are still viewed as weak and effeminate.

This is why I repeatedly express the need for a curriculum at URI that explores the facets of masculinity as aggressively as it does femininity. The women’s studies program is wonderful, but why should it discriminate on a basis of gender? I’m aware that there are courses that discuss aspects of masculinity, but they are (understandably) uncommon within the women’s studies curriculum.

Over time, I’ve come to realize something about the girl in the black dress: It’s not that I’m not strong enough to handle a confident woman. No, she’s just not woman enough to handle a sensitive man.





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