The Playlist Problem
by Christopher Ferdinandi
ChrisFerdinandi@hotmail.com

The date went great! There’s so much spark you’d think it’s the fourth of July, and she eagerly accepted an invitation to go back to your place to “have a few drinks.” Three martinis and you-forget-how-many playful slaps on the leg later, you’re on your way to the bedroom.

Breath-mint? Check. Candles? Check. Condoms? Check. Check. (Hey, why stop after one?) But don’t forget one of the most important hook-up enhancements – music!

Music is often an after-thought of the hook-up world. You throw on a CD when things start heating up to mask loud noises – for the benefit of your roommates, of course! Or you throw on an old standby to “set the mood.” And while mediocre music won’t make-or-break a hook-up if you’ve got the right moves, it will take something away from all your hard work. So what does your hook-up music say about you?

The R&B Guy

Babyface, Ginuwine, Usher… and Boyz II Men. If these are your hook-up staples than you’re “The R&B Guy.” What’s wrong with being “The R&B Guy?” you might ask. I mean, it’s got everything you need: a mellow, soulful beat; tender, loving lyrics; and a smooth, seductive melody. Funny, that’s what her ex-boyfriend thought, too, when he put on all the same songs to make love to her. Unless you’ve got some weird fetish, I’m sure the last thing you want to do is remind her of an ex.

The Classic Rock Guy

You know what I’m talking about: “Always” and “Bed of Roses,” by Bon Jovi; Aerosmith’s “Angel”; “Everything I do, I do it for you,” by Bryan Adams. What’s wrong with being “The Classic Rock Guy?” you might ask. I mean, it’s got… eh, I’ll spare you the sermon. See: “The R&B Guy.”

The Cliché Guy

Marvin Gaye, Al Green, and Barry White – Let me guess, you pull out the scented candles and massage oil every time, too? Ever seen Van Wilder? Remember what happened to Taj? Sure, cheesy romance is great, but pull this rabbit out of your hat too often and soon enough it’ll lose its mystique – and she’ll start looking for another magician.

The Hip-Hop Guy

Look, I love Jay-Z and DMX as much as the next guy. Sometimes, it’s just what you need to get you pumped up, and when you’re in the mood to get a little rough, maybe that’s what you need. But blasting “Big Pimpin’” the first time you hit the sheets is a sure-fire way to get labeled a player. If that’s what you’re going for though, well, “it’s all good, it’s all right…”

The Techno Guy

I’m not really a techno fan, so I’m a bit hesitant to make any hard-line statements about it. I have friends who swear that sex to electronica rivals no other. I pray to God they’re not talking about DJ Sammy style techno, though. Techno is for white people who don’t know how to dance. I’d imagine that in the sack, it’s also for white people who have no natural rhythm. You get my drift…

What you should listen to

So what should you have on your hook-up playlist? Actually, any and all of the above… sort of. The problem with all of the aforementioned categories (minus “The Techno Guy”) is that they’re all cliché, predictable, and implicative. Whatever your style is, go ahead and use that kind of music. But rather than use the traditional, stock-in-trade songs, throw in some more obscure stuff.

This has a few advantages. First, you’re a lot less likely to remind her of her ex (again, unless you’re into that sort of thing). Second, you avoid the “you’re not that good in bed and/or I have ADD and get easily distracted so I’m going to sing along to the music” problem (For the record, any time this has happened to me, I’ve been the one doing the singing).

Instead of “I’ll Make Love to You,” by Boyz II Men, include Alicia Key’s “Diary.” Don’t listen to LL’s “Doing It” – try “All Night Long” by Bryan McKnight, featuring Nelly. “The Cliché Guy” and “The Classic Rock Guy” might find this a bit more difficult, but if that’s the music you really like, then you should be able to find some more obscure selections.

So what about “The Techno Guy?” All is not lost! Scrap your TJ Tiesto CD and opt for some mellow, jazzy house music instead. Dig around Amazon or iTunes for some good selections.

Now that you’ve got an awesome playlist, there’s only one thing left to do: Make sure you’ve got the moves to match!



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